I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
