Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
