he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
