He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
