so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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