She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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