She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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