So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
