are you so shy because you have an std?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
