Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
