stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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