Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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