You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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