he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
