A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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