hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I need to stop coming to work sober
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
