So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
