There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
