Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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