I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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