so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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