Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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