I wish I could teleport
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I cannot find my penis.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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