i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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