Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize