hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
