I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
