He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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