Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
