every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
