The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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