So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
