so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
