I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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