kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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