Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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