Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
