The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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