I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Two words: nipple clamps
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