I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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