I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
did i walk over a car last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
