i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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