I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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