Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize