a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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