You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
