3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
