I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
