my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
