I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
