Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
