I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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