this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
