i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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